Let it go (and move forward)

In light of people finally being honest about sex abuse I’ve noticed that individuals who for many years rallied & spoke out about sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape, physical & emotional abuse when it was directed toward women are surprisingly silent now. If you were quick to speak out against the evils of “all men” and the “patriarchy” if you only had words of support and encouragement for members of your own gender, but none for men who rallied for you, and now are talking about their own experiences(which is long overdue). Are you not to varying degrees so wrapped up in your own prejudice that you are hurting your own cause? In fact it seems to me that some of you (although it is thankfully a small number) are so extremist in your views that you are just another hate group. Hating an entire gender that is just masochistic. Forgive people, not for them, but for you, hatred is a chain binding you to that person, why be bound to someone or something that makes you miserable, break the chain. A wise woman once said “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” That woman was Carrie Fisher, may she R.I.P., and while initially I found that a hard pill to swallow and I had to work at it, and still do. I got there.  Let it go and move forward. Nothing bothers your haters, critics, and enemies more than you seeing you enjoying your life, oblivious to them/their efforts to steal your joy,  don’t give them that power.

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Biphopia, Bi-Erasure, Body Shaming, Bitchery & Aaron Carter. 

I’ve been speaking a great deal about hate and hypocrisy lately but due to the events in Charlottesville this weekend there’s one aspect of this topic I had yet to comment on. Aaron Carter.

 As you may or may not know Aaron Carter came out as bisexual last week, and while the response has been mostly supportive not all of it has been and sadly some of it has come from his own community I’ve lost count of the numerous gay men who have made comments similar to this one: 

Or even this one:  and these:I do not consider this to be a publicity stunt, as publicity stunts go it isn’t a smart one. Firstly because it has the potential to alienate his female fans who may have issues with bisexual men mostly stemming from the fear that the men will cheat on them and/or leave them for another man. There is also a similar stigma in the gay community partial stemming from misogyny in the gay community as well as animosity between straight women and gay men over disagreements about access to bars, boundary issues, and the tendency for some women to treat Gay men as accessories. He risks alienation from both groups. Which leads me to another issue brought to light through all this. 

Biphobia & Bi-erasure

Thankfully I’ve not seen as much of this as I expected and individuals who make this argument are quickly shut down. But sadly it still exists and there’s more which leads me to two other trends in society that need to stop. 

Body shaming & Bitchery

 

It is no secret that Aaron Carter has had issues with drug and alcohol abuse, but if we were all judged by our past then we’d never achieve much of anything as for his thinness anyone who’s seen him before or his brother Nick know that they have a tendency toward being thin. Nick bulked up later, but it doesn’t work that way for everyone. We need to stop holding everyone to such unrealistic expectations regarding physical appearance. Some people are thin, some are muscled, some are tall, some are short, some are heavier, and no one is the physical ideal for everyone else in the world so while you may think your comments are funny you are wrong, they are hurtful and unnecessary if you want to bask in your bitchery feel free, in your own life, with your friends, not on someone else’s page or about someone else’s appearance or their life. This person said it best.

And in closing I will leave you with some words from Aaron Carter himself. 

Taking emotional inventory.

I’ve been doing a great deal of self inventory lately and when I say a lot keep in mind I’ve always been a very introspective type which produced both positive and negative aspects in my personality. A positive is that I’m not as self destructive or just generally destructive as individuals I’ve seen who act rather without analyzing the consequences of their actions. I’m sure there are or would be individuals who know me who would be surprised to hear that I think or over think the consequences of my actions, and I understand that as admittedly I say or do some things that shock people and some things that vary from inappropriately blunt and/or just stupid. The negative side is that I do a lot of what Jason calls shoveling the if deck I consider hypothetical scenarios which may or may not happen to a somewhat crippling degree. For example if someone invites me to go somewhere my first thoughts are going to be a reason to go and a reason not to. Most recently my reasons not to go have been that Jason is not going and while it’s good to go out both together & separately it’s its usually a given that Jason is not going and while he supports my decision to go out due to past experiences with individuals I’ve known I’m always wondering is he really ok with it or am I going to have to answer for it later. Nothing about Jason gives me any reason to think he will do such a thing but still the thought is there. The other thought I have in this scenario is that if I say no will their be invites to join them in the future. My heightened  introspection began about a month ago when my doctor a new one asked me how I feel. I answered immediate with the usual health related symptoms I usually experience and then he asked me how I felt emotionally in 42 years a doctor has never asked me how I feel emotionally so I didn’t know how to answer. This didn’t seem to surprise him. Which makes me wonder how disconnected from our emotional state is the human race that we lack the ability to answer honestly how we feel? He checked my vitals and refilled my prescription and ordered some lab work and scheduled an appointment to follow up on how my meds are working and to discuss my lab results and requested that in the mean time I focus on how I feel and focus on if I have any feelings of depression. My appointment was today and my results were fairly normal his primary advice for my physical health was to exercise and eat more fish/foods with good cholesterol.  On the emotional side of things I couldn’t necessarily report I was depressed, I did however experience anxiety, agitation and/or anger. So to evaluate my emotional well being he asked me a series of questions and based on family  history and my personal responses I scored a 10 which indicates a certain level of emotional distress, 20 is the max score. So as of tomorrow I’ll be on a medication for that. It may be about three weeks before I know if it’s helping. I’m both optimistic and wary of taking the medication. I’m even wary of mentioning it by name in fact my first thought was what will Jason think? What will others think? I was actually surprised that this was my concern. I’ve often joked that members of my family, myself included are/were crazy. I’ve made serious statements about receiving therapy if only I could afford it. Then when it was no longer theoretical but actual I felt concerned about the stigma of it all. Ultimately though it’s the chance at feeling calmer, happier, not so nervous, and not so angry which will be a relief. I’ll keep you posted. 

The struggle. 

There are so many things going through my head these days that it’s hard to focus on one topic. As far as my work life goes where I work they are undergoing a remodel and honestly I hate it, not the remodel itself. It would be pointless to get upset about that because they are going to do what they want to do regardless of what the employees or customers want. I just hate the chaos of it, the disorder, it makes it hard to focus on the aspects of the job I do enjoy. At this point I’m simply trying to shut my eyes to the things I don’t want to see in order to make a living. George Carlin may he rest in peace was right they want to smart enough to do the job, and dumb enough to be content with it and while I’m not that dumb I’ll have to play along because it pays the bills. On a somewhat more positive note I’m seeing a doctor regularly again. Today I went in for lab work so my new doctor can get a better assessment of my health beyond the vitals they take as odd as it sounds I hope they find something because I don’t feel healthy and the if it’s not a physical problem then it’s emotional/psychological which isn’t as easy to fix. I’m happy to be on the way to getting my health on track but it’s shifted my focus on how unwell I feel. My thyroid meds are helping but my mood swings seem more persistent than they have in the past. I find myself getting angry more often and while I have a right to be angry about some of the things I’m powerless to change the way things are in some of those cases. I could quit my job of course but then I’d lose my income and my access to healthcare plus my retirement savings so again back to complacency as a survival technique/coping mechanism. Though not an entirely effective one because the anger spills out in other ways and about things that are not really that important. As far as the social aspect goes I’m working on putting myself out there again. I had a great time seeing A very sordid wedding at the Circle Cinema but it’s a double edged sword because joining or rejoining the GLBT Community involves crossing paths with individuals who weren’t kind or supportive in the past. It’s a mixed bag it feels great on the grand scale to be out and about and to be part of something but on a personal level it’s lonely and scary because you realize you are potentially swimming with sharks in the sense that I’ve crossed paths with individuals who disappointed me and then disappeared, I smiled and was polite but it was not easy to do. I’ve also come to realize that for others I’m merely a hoped for gateway to Jason which will not work out for them or me because while hanging out with me might place you in his circle he’s not going to be hanging with you in the bar or attending your next party because that’s not something he’s interested in you might get dinner and a movie or we might meet you for coffee after a great deal of effort on my part because he likes his circle small. So if you see me as a path to him you’ll only end up disappointed. I’m not sure how to wrap this up other than to say thanks for listening.   

Parenting & the New Girl

Just over a week ago our daughter spent her spring break with us. It was a very low key visit consisting mostly of video games, visits with family and movies and DVDs. On one such night we ended watching season 1 of New Girl which Cassidy highly enjoyed. There was however a teachable moment for myself when one of the episodes was about her first intimate encounter with a man since the end of her 6 year relationship. It wasn’t graphic or obscene it was actually tame but it was the first time I’d been in the same room with my now 14 year old as the subject of sex was discussed although it was in a comedic way. My first response was to do what my father’s wife had done turn off the TV or change the channel, but I resisted that impulse as I didn’t want her growing up with the same feelings about sex and sexuality that I did. While I have no desire to discuss with my daughter or vice versa as she’s made it clear she’s had conversations with her mother and those were enough at this point in time. In fact she’d probably be mortified that I’m discussing it now. I also do not want to encourage the idealogy that sex is shameful or something to be embarrassed about so I let the episode play. I’d rather have her have a healthy view of sex and sexuality when the time comes than to feel it’s bad or wrong. 

Not just a gay community center

Recently the Dennis R. Neill Equality Center has come under fire literally early Monday morning someone fired 13 shots at the windows of the Oklahoma Equality Center. Less than eight hours later a man entered the building  cursing and telling the staff and volunteers that he was a veteran that he had fought for their rights and wished that he hadn’t, that he wished they’d die. This bigotry is nothing new, it’s just resurfaced, and some people seek to excuse it, I’ve seen comments saying that it’s not a hate crime, that perhaps it was random, citing that a neighboring building was hit as well. Stating that it was just a pellet gun and the saddest comment of all that they don’t care what happened because it’s a gay community center and therefore does nothing to help them. What those people don’t know is that it’s not just a gay community center, while there are resources for the LGBT community there it serves more than just the LGBT community various organizations rent the spaces there for parties and events  and gatherings fundraisers to feed the poor and help the homeless, as well as canned food drives have been held there and the computer lab has been used by many individuals to do job searches etc. and your sexuality is never questioned. The equality center provides just that equality for everyone with respectful attitude. http://m.tulsaworld.com/news/crimewatch/shots-fired-at-equality-center-first-act-of-serious-vandalism/article_cb2b4ec5-2180-5e99-8f6e-204249723ce6.html?mode=jqm